You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
