3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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