I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.