I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
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I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.