i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
false alarm, still single
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
