Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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