i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
