you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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