Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
