You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
