he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
