I think I died a long time ago.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
