Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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