bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
