saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
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Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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