So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
