god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
