Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
