I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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