Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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