He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
