Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
