between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
tell me about the fingering
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