Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
