the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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