im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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