I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she woke up with a sticky ear
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
