Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
