I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
