I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
