Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
