I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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