My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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