Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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