I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
