The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.