You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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