just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want to make out with him forever
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
