Don't make out with my wife yet
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.