you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.