I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
