I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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