I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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