I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
