Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
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I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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