When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
