I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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