First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
