Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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