dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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