My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
