Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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