ya dads aren't the best wingmen
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
