If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
