Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
