I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
