Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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