I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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