Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
