My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
